Mommy Ninja Skills

There is an amazing phenomenon that occurs when you have kids... well, there are a lot of amazing things that happen, but right now I am going to focus on just one:

Ninja Mommy Skills

First and foremost, REFLEXES. I can, with out looking, stick my hand up and catch a ball in mid air. If a child at my side stumbles, I am able to swoop them up before they hit the ground. When something is rolling off the table I can snatch it the moment it leaves the surface with out blinking an eye. I have cut my hand numerous times but never my foot...
 if the knife falls my leg jolts out of the way.

My speed of everything has increased ten-fold. I have learned to shower in record time- including full leg shaving (not just to-the-knee) When a child needs to be saved on the slide, I am there before the second wail. I can whip up something to eat in moment and eat it in seconds. What happens when a little one wakes with a bad dream? My speed and agility get me up the stairs in just a few strides! My sister has dubbed me Flash. Why, thank you!

Agility is another good one! Being able to be pulled in several directions at once is a great example of what having kids will do to your body. You can bend and stretch in ways you never have before. 

Have you ever stood at the oven with the door open, bending over to turn the tater tots while extending a leg straight out to keep a curious toddler from touching the hot oven door? Pfffft- who needs yoga classes?!

Pads on my feet? Hardly, but I can sneak up on anyone at any time completely undetected. Gets 'em every time! I have learned how to dart up the stairs and down the hall with out making a sound.

(yeah...it's kind of like this!)

Sonic hearing is probably my kids least favorite.

Or maybe it's having eyes in the back of my head...

 That's right Herdlings... I hear and see everything.

Know it, be scared and behave!

 

The most positive change in me since becoming a mother is ferociousness. Not in a brass or vulgar way, more like a Mama Bear instinct. One of my favorite quotes is "There is no more dangerous place on earth than between a mother and her child" I am able to stand up for myself, my kids and for what is right. That is something that I struggled with prior to having kids... I was too afraid of upsetting others. But I am my cubs best advocate, and if they can not count on me,

who can they count on??

(anyone from our high school days who is reading this should appreciate the grizzly cub reference!)

ON A SIDE NOTE:

Mommy Ninja Skills are not to be confused with:

MAD DANCE SKILLZ

OMG.... I can not even believe I am putting this on the WWW. That is love people- pure love.

Mad Baking Skillz

besides being with my family, I think working in the kitchen makes me happiest!

 My Mad Comedy Skillzzzzz

I am HILarious! (SORRY about this one Linds!!! shenanigans I tell 'ya!)

OR My Mad

"My-Shenanigan's-Tend- to-Make-Mike-Mad"

 SKILZZZZZZZ

(Believe it or not, it has happened more than once...)

It never lasts long... he loves me (Shenanigans and mad skillz and alike!)

And I think Both Mr. Head of the Herd and the Herdlings appreciate all that I have to offer in one way or another! Be it the Mommy Ninja Skills that keep the little ones safe, or the fun that my other atributes bring to our life! HA!

My family always knows they are loved!

Murphy's Law and My Herd

I am no fan of Murphy's Law. In fact, I sometimes think those "laws" were put into place just to mess with me. Here is how Murphy and his Laws relate to my Herd:

The Bread Always Lands Jelly Side Up

Jack is our number one thrower-of-food and the supreme mess-maker. I will tell you that doesn't matter what kind of jelly- grape and strawberry both splat on the floor. It isn't just jelly either! Butter, Nutella, peanut butter, chicken salad, ham with mayo- it all lands on the floor equally.

If Anything Can go Wrong, it Will

Classic example: We actually made it to our annual portrait session with a clan of clean and happy kids- only to have the youngest conjure up a massive diaper-blowout, the family before us was about an hour behind schedule so we had to have lunch while waiting... which led to two kids getting a ketchup splotch on their outfit. And then we were into nap time- and you know how that goes! We got some great pictures after promising ice cream!

Left to Themselves, Things Tend to go From Bad to Worse

My boys prove this every day. I can't leave them alone for more than 60 seconds.

Yesterday Owen needed to cool down after a gnarly fit- so my oldest put him in his room. When the thuds on the wall gave way to desperate wails, I ran upstairs and found his leg is stuck in the slats of his headboard. Above the knee. And it was stuck really good. Quick Ninja Mommy Skills got him out lickety-split (with a little oil) Everything in our house is a platform to jump from, climb over or color on. I have given up on going to bathroom in total privacy.

If Everything Seems to be Going Well,
You Have Obviously Overlooked Something

This goes hand-in-hand with the last law. Be it overlooking the power of my boys or the sharpie I left hidden but not locked up. Or the simple fact that quiet play typically means shenanigans are going on...

Things Get Worse Under Pressure

For Ainsley and Owen, pressure kills. Meltdowns, stress-sweats and wigging out. and all it takes is one little trigger to send them into a frenzy. Ella's trigger seems to be not being able to find something (shoes, a favorite toy, etc) with or with out a deadline. Hunger is probably the only thing that bothers Jack And Maddy, well, she is a teenager- most things bother her.

 Me, on the other hand, I thrive under pressure. I guess that is how I survive daily life with a Herd!

Everything Goes Wrong All at Once

Example: this morning I had three daycare families arrive at once. At the same time a daycare baby is struggling with separation anxiety- and I didn't think to bring him to the door with me, so he was upset. Ainsley peeked over the banister and told me her blinds fell off the wall. At the SAME time Jack wanted  to get on the potty. (so I stripped him and ran him to the training seat...only to realize he had pooped. that was fun) this was all in a 5 minute period. MADNESS

Matter Will Be Damaged in Direct Proportion to its Value

Do things that have no value to us get destroyed? Nope. Instead the kids misuse the uber expensive media center we bought from pottery barn as a bakery stand (so cute and imaginative though!!). Did Owen stamp Halloween ghosts and black cats on the walls that were white and waiting to be painted? No- he chose my newly painted bedroom walls!My costume jewelry never gets taken from the jewelry box and put in a "safe place"- it is always my favorite pearl earrings or my diamond studs.
 The day my grandmothers snow globe gets broken there will be a cataclysmic reaction.

When Working Toward the Solution of a Problem,

 it Always Helps if You Know the Answer

Why do you think everyone comes to mom to solve their dispute over which animal is really from Africa? Or the best way to solve the word problem, or what to do when they're having friend troubles? Mom's always know the answers (even if we make it up) And the "mom card" trumps everything.

Nothing is as Easy as it Looks

Scaling the media center when you are 3.5 ft tall can not be easy.
That dance stuff my girls do? I took a class. It is TOUGH.
Being the youngest of five kids- not a piece of cake.
The middle child of five kids? Even worse.
Cooking and cleaning for The Herd? HARD
Raising a large family? Definatly not as easy as it looks. It is just as difficult as you might imagine!
But nothing that is worth doing is typically easy. And, if it is worth doing- it's worth doing WELL
(that one is for you Holly!)

Everything Takes Longer Than You Think

The Hubster will tell you that I have a really poor sense of time. It has gotten so bad that he adds 30 minutes to our time frame so we get "there" on time. I argue that the kids wonk the clock all up! How can it possibly take 30 minutes to get from the foyer to the van?? But in my mind, it's three seconds. There is always a lost shoe, items that need to be added to the diaper bag, someone has to go potty or we forgot Jack's Lovey.  I am working on it....

Every Solution Breeds New Problems

Storing the younger girls American Girl Dolls in the new play room just challenges Owen to figure out the secret to getting that cabinet open. Same with putting child locks on doors. And baby gates on stairs. Man, he is smart!

A Falling (or most likely thrown, in our house) Object Will Always Land Where it Can Do the Most Damage

windows, picture frames, lamps, dishes on the table, candle holders, hanging light fixtures...

See the pattern?

You Will Always Find Something in the Last Place You Look

These days we try to think about where the kids (namely the boys) would put something...and start there. Owen's two favorite hiding spots are under his pillow and in the end table that has a removable top. Jack- he just drops things wherever something else more interesting happens to be! Thankfully the girls have outgrown this... But Ella liked to keep things on her bed, Ainsley kept things in her mini wagon.

It is Never in the Last Place You Look. It is in the First Place You Look, But is Never Discovered the

First Time You Look There

Dang! That could have saved me the 30 minutes that I am   always late by!!

(I guess Mike was right!!)

Any Time You Put an Item in a "Safe Place",

it Will Never be Seen Again

true story

This is a testament to me not sweating the the small stuff.

 Take THAT Murphy.

Your Laws will not spoil my days.

Instead I shall Blog and showcase the hilarity they cause!

My top 5: Places to Eat With My Herd

As you can imagine- eating out with seven people (five of which are usually unreasonable) so if these places do well for us, they will do well for you too!

1: Chick-fil-a

The are super friendly, family oriented, offer something for everyone and I have never been into a location that was not clean. They have a greeter who's sole job is to make you happy... balloons for the kids, a stick-down place mat for the youngest, drink refills or to help you carry your trays to your tables. I LOVE that they openly list all ingredients and nutritional content. It is pretty darn wholesome; from the way the staff acts and handles themselves, to the company values, to the quality of their product. Good stuff. They just launched a gluten free chicken nuggets and they offer unsweetened apple sauce in lieu of fries (Our youngest doesn't care for their delectable waffle fries. Did I really give birth to this kid?) The kids meal toys are usually pretty cool and knowledge-based BUT you can trade them in for a kid sized ice cream. They are franchised, so if you can find one that has themed family night or school fundraising nights that is a bonus!

2: Five Guys
Alright... this one is mainly because I love their burgers. Here's the deal: they are no frills, quick and good quality. Yes they cost more than McD's or BK but soooo worth it. The potatoes are cut in house and fried from from fresh form. Ainsley loves to announce where the potatoes from today came from (always somewhere in Idaho, of course) This place is comfort food for me. When I was little, my dad dubbed his burgers "Kace Barrett's World Famous Cheeseburgers" and I loved them. Five Guys replicates that childhood meal for me. They provide index cards and crayons for anyone to color a little picture and pin it to their cork board which is always fun for kids! And, allergy alert, they have open bins of peanuts in the shell. I don't exactly know why, it's not like you think burgers:peanuts. but it is fun no less.

3: Firehouse Subs
My boys looooove this place (including the grown-up one!) the inside is decorated with REAL fire gear and pictures of fires being fought in our local area. Kids meals come with a plastic fire mans hat and their brownies are REALLY good. I only eat the meatball sub (kid sized, as it is the worst one for you) but they slice the meat for your sandwich when you order it. The bread gets toasted and meat is steamed. There is even a selection of hot sauces to choose from. While costing more than other sub joints, it's well worth it!

4: Chili's
five reasons: bottomless chips and salsa, fajitas, Kraft mac and cheese, molten cakes, 2 for 20 deal. 'nuff said.

5: Red Robin
If you haven't been in one- it's is a heaven for kids! Balloons when you walk in, many of the televisions mounted around the place have kids shows on them, the kids menu is divided into blocks- they get to choose an item from each of the three blocks (and it is in picture form), it is loud so I am never afraid of disturbing anyone, they will bring a few baskets of steakhouse style fries to hold your group off until the meal arrives (no extra charge!) and they have hand spun milkshakes! The adult beverage menu is impressive but we don't drink while out with our kids.

On a side note: any place that has the new Coke-a-Cola Freestyle Machine has a huge advantage- they are awesome!!

5 places we DON'T take our kids? Any place with a tablecloth (color doesn't matter), anywhere with a votive on the table or super dim lighting, a restaurant that does not offer a kids menu, establishments that we know will have slower service and cultural eateries. 

...and- I just described the ideal date-night!

What Animal Would You Be?

This morning my 8 year old asked me "If you could be any animal, what  would you be...I would be a bird, so I could fly to school! Or maybe a monkey. I just love monkeys!"

Let me tell you how much I adore these questions.

 I love that my kids think about stuff, are curious and want to know my thoughts too.

I almost said Sloth, because they sleep most of their lives. Sleep is something you get very little of as a parent and I am convinced that my body is still "on" when I am asleep as I hear every toss, turn, mummer and breath of my kids at night. And most days I wake up feeling just as tired as I was before I went to bed! Mmmmm... to be a sloth and be lazy all day!

 Hanging out and snuggling with my sloth baby...

Cat would be nice too- since they sleep a lot and are pampered. It would be nice to have a sparkly collar, laze around in the warmth of the sunlight and have a goofy human dangle toys at me and serve my gourmet food-from-a-can in a crystal goblet. But then I remembered that I don't really care all the much for seafood. And the hairballs- ew... being a cat is so not for me. (I can't even clean out my brush... if I can't bribe one of my kids to do it for me, I throw it out and buy a new one.) 

My answer to my daughter was: a horse.

She cocked her head a little, wrinkled her cute button nose and said , "Really? Why?" I told her that horses are beautiful and strong. They do lots of important jobs and the people who depend on them really love them a lot. With out hesitation she light up and said, "Like a MOMMY!"

MIND = BLOWN

I dono if it is because of how insightful my daughter was or if it was because I myself came to the realization that moms truly are work horses! We carry, push and pull. We have more strength than seen by the naked eye. We require lots of care and the beauty of a mother is quite breath taking. Steady and strong... be it thoroughbred or plain Jane- we are all amazing in many ways.

Color Me Wonderful

After all these years I still think it's hilarious when I discover one of my Herd all colored up.

I don't know what possesses kids to do this- but it is very amusing to me.

Maybe it's because they always look so darn proud of themselves!

Ella age 1.25, with help from Ainsley, age 3

Seriously, HOW can you be mad at that?!

Ainsley: age 3.5 & Ella: age 2.25, after a prolonged quiet period- THIS is what I found

At least they were playing nicely together...

And just recently: Jack, age 2

enjoying mommy's yummy banana bread

"Ahh MESS!" (he even got his feet)

You can't see it, but his palms were solid orange!  

Somehow I have NO pictures of Owen all spruced up. You'd think he would be the worst. But you see, Owen gets himself into other kinds of trouble:

Like this:

(note the lack of ornaments on the bottom half of our tree: the line is right where his reach ends.)

(and that's just the stuff I could get a picture of!)

This is just another example of the things kids do that you really just need to enjoy... because when they are 16 and coloring on themselves- it's not as cute!